Don’t Know What To Tell You


Woke up, despite the fact I’ve not had nearly enough sleep today.   Went and smoked about half of a cigarette (I only smoke outside the house; house rules), and made a cup of coffee to wet my whistle.   Decided I hadn’t written anything here for a couple of days, so probably should.

I’m just not sure I feel up to writing anything I would consider worthy of “my readers.”   (Both of you?)

Actually, I don’t have many followers here.  (Dare I say “yet”?)  I’m not sure I know how to generate followers.  I often have this problem when I’m writing.  I don’t feel that I know what most people think most of the time.   It’s that sensation that I missed something, growing up.  Somewhere along the line, everybody else learned “the rules” and I didn’t.  Anyone else feeling that way?

I suppose I’m smart.  After all, I belonged to Mensa at one time.  I could re-activate my membership just by paying the dues.  It’s that old chestnut, “If your’e so smart, why ain’t you rich?”   I don’t think I ever really wanted to be “rich.”  I have wanted to be secure and comfortable.  Not worried about paying rent or keeping the lights on or buying food.   And I am not even successful at that anymore.

You’d think I’d know how to manage that.

If I’m all that smart, I should be able to sit down and write anything I want, right?   I always thought it wasn’t necessarily that way, but should be.  A “wordsmith” should be like a blacksmith.   Hand them a chunk of raw iron bar, and they can hammer out whatever you need.  A horseshoe, a pair of tongs, a sword…   A wordsmith should be able to take the 26 jewels of the American English alphabet and put them together into the proper words for any occasion.  To tell you about a movie or a book, to tell the story of their life or someone else’s, or to describe a new dress or dish.  A short-story or a movie script either one should come as easily.  We gravitate to certain forms for our writing because we want to.  If I wanted to write a blog every day and generate a following and get advertisers to pay me for putting their ClickBank or other ads on my blog or page to attract my readers, well, I should just do that and generate an income.  Right?

I’m smart.

You’d think I’d know how to manage that.

But apparently I don’t.

I don’t know what to tell you.


This ‘n That


I haven’t written much in a couple of days.  I’ve been tired and fighting the aches and pains of a weather change, and just didn’t feel well.  Too, I’m not sure what to write about.   I have some ideas, but they all seem to take research I haven’t had time for.

I was thinking that this upcoming election for US Congress people isn’t really going to change things as much as a lot of people are hyping about, no matter who actually “wins.”   There is talk that if the Republicans win control of the Senate, they will enact sweeping legislation.   But that ignores some harsh realities.  As the Republicans have filibustered almost everything that the Senate has actually tried to get accomplished the last few years, despite the Democrats having the majority, they haven’t managed to get much done.  And the Republicans seem to think that if they win a bare majority such as the Democrats have had, that things will be different  Do they honestly believe the Democrats won’t turn about and stop them the same way?  Never mind that anything they pass will have to be signed by the President.  And I don’t believe President Obama is going to sign any sweeping tax cuts, changes to Medicare or Social Security, or any of a host of other pet Republican/Teabagger wet dreams.   And they certainly still won’t have the votes to pass anything over a presidential veto.  So, despite the dire claims that the country will be subject to sweeping changes foisted on the 99% by the Republicans indebted to the Koch Bros and other special interests, I just don’t see it happening.   A lot of sturm und drang for nothing.  A tempest in a teapot.

I have also been thinking about the Constitution and the 2nd Amendment. There is so much tension around the issues of weapons and whose hands can hold weapons in this country, that I wonder if it isn’t time to clarify things, perhaps by repealing or amending the 2nd amendment.  A lot of people seem to think the Constitution is inviolate and unchanging, but that’s simply not true.  Since the original Constitution and the first 10 amendments, the Bill of Rights, were adopted, there have been 16 other amendments to the Constitution passed and ratified.  Several other amendments have been proposed, some even passed, but so far have not been adopted, usually because of failure to gain ratification by 37 states, the last hurdle for an amendment to clear before being added to the Constitution.  The Constitution is not a religious text handed down by the anointed.  It is not sacrosanct or sacred.  It can be changed if needed.  And it may be time to change the 2nd amendment.  Maybe it’s time to say not every nut case in the country has the right to own a weapon.

Have been contacted by two ladies on an internet dating site.  One is about 10 years older than I am, and frankly extremely heavy.  (The medical term is morbidly obese.)   Frankly, I don’t want to date someone who is 70 and overweight.  But how do I turn her down politely?  Do I just not respond to her message?   I’m not sure the other lady is really what I’m looking for either.  I may go ahead and meet her for coffee.  We’ll see.

It’s early, early Monday morning.   My “Sunday night” off.  I slept very little earlier, and I think that I’m going to go ahead and see about getting some sleep now.

Not Enough Hours


I haven’t posted anything the last couple of days.  Not here, that is.

Frankly, and I know it’s a lame complaint, but there are not enough hours in the day.   Not enough hours to work a full-time job around my physical infirmities, which require me to take long breaks and extends my work days, plus get some reading time in, plus get some research time in, plus do some self-soothing and just general down time, plus write something that isn’t just pointless but actually says something and is well thought out, rather than stream-of-consciousness just to throw words on a page.

I know I am not alone in sometimes feeling that I somehow missed something.  I failed to learn some essential lesson about how to live life so that I was successful.  I see these accomplished people and I wonder how they get it all done.  It seems like if I try to allot just an hour a day to each of several interests, I have no time for it all.  I can’t spend an hour per day drawing, and an hour per day writing, and an hour per day eating, and a half-hour per day showering and changing clothes, and an hour per day exercising, and 10 hours per day average working at my job, and a half-hour per day working on building flying models and an hour per day reading, and 8 hours per day sleeping, and … well… That right there is more than 24 hours total.  And there is no housework included in that.  For three meals, I have allotted only 10 minutes prep and 10 minutes to wolf it down for each meal.  It seems like anything I choose, takes away from something else.

And now, it is time for me to get logged into work for the night.  I will work 4 two-hour blocks of time, with an hour off between them, so that I will finish at 11:00 tomorrow morning.  I’ve tried repeatedly to do something with those hour-long breaks, but I’ve never been able to figure out how to switch from working to, say, writing for that hour.  It seems that by the time I’ve convinced myself that I’m not working but writing, and try to get into the writing, then it’s time already to log back into work.  And part of the reason that I take those long breaks is because my back, neck and shoulders hurt after too long at the keyboard.   That is part of my physical disability that makes it so hard for me to do anything else in the way of a job, and it defeats the purpose of taking the break if I have to stay sitting here at the keyboard, still with my hands raised to it, pounding on the keys.  I actually need to find something else to do on those breaks.  Sometimes I nap.  Sometimes I nap and oversleep.  Then I have to work later.

Bah.  It really is time to get logged into work and stop complaining right now.   I’ll think more on this later.  I think about it a lot.  I just don’t come up with the answers.



Whenever anyone says, “It’s one of those days,” or “They said there’d be days like this,” it always seems to carry a negative connotation.   When I was younger, I would actually say that the worst thing that could happen is that I would get up tomorrow and do it all over again exactly the same.   (Long before “Groundhog Day”!  Loved Bill Murray in that, but never cared for Andie McDowell.  Never was attracted to her, and never really felt like she had any chemistry with anyone she was onscreen with.  Oh, well.)

Today was actually just a pretty blah day.   Nothing to mark it in the exception column, good or bad.   I worked,  Slept about 5 hours after work.  Woke up, messed around on Facebook and some of the other ways I spend my time, and now I’m thinking about napping another couple of hours before work, so that I’m not dead tired all night long.  (Like usual.  *sigh*)

Read a great analysis of the situation around the arrest of Danielle Watts, in LA.  This is a case where a black actress was detained and handcuffed for refusing to give her ID to a cop responding to a 911 call about indecent exposure.  I’ve seen I don’t know how many armchair lawyers insisting the cop had “probably cause” to detain her because someone called 911 and said someone was exposing themselves or committing a lewd act.

Now, I have no idea why someone thought this was an “emergency” and called 911, to begin with.  Be that as it may, I don’t know why a patrol car responded to this call.  Common sense says that unless the car was literally on the block where the “crime” was supposedly taking place, by the time they got there, chances were there would be nothing.  And unless law enforcement witnesses the lewd act or exposure themselves, all you have is a complainant saying they did and them saying they didn’t and no way is a DA taking that to a jury.  There’s no grounds for an arrest here.

In point of fact, a 911 call is not probable cause to believe a crime has been committed.  Any fool can call 911 and complain about damned near anything.  And many of them do.  It’s illegal to make a false 911 call, but they happen every single day in every major urban area.   What is especially ridiculous in this case is that the officer rolled up, and without witnessing a crime, proceeded to misinform Ms. Watts that he had the right to demand her ID.  Notwithstanding any question of whether or not California law allows him to do so, how would her ID possibly indicate whether or not she had been involved in a lewd exhibition that he did not witness?  Cop on a fishing trip, who then got out of control, steeped in his own ignorance of the law, and handcuffed her for not showing him her ID and walking away from him, when he had no cause to detain her.

I hope she sues the shit out of them.  I’m sorry for the taxpayers having to foot the bill to pay when it is all said and done, but damn I’m sick of cops that aren’t trained on what they can and cannot legally do. If Sgt. Jim Parker, of LAPD (who incidentally refused to give her his full name when she asked for it so she could make a complaint, which I strongly suspect is against policy), loses his job, I’m sorry.   I kind of hope he only gets a suspension without pay for a month or 6 weeks, and has to take about 50 hours of instruction on how to make a stop and what he is allowed to do during that stop.  If he takes those lessons properly, I’d rather have a trained, educated cop back on the street who knows better than to do this again, than just to get rid of him.

It seems like lately there has just been an epidemic of these incidents of law enforcement hassling black people mostly for being black while sitting, while walking, while carrying a toy, or while kissing a white person in public.   It has GOT TO STOP!

All right.  I’m going to try to get that nap in.  I have to work tonight.

Down and out


I’m tired today. Worked overnight, of course.  Although I overslept and woke up an hour late for my Sunday morning log-in at 2 a.m.  There was no work available part of the morning, but things picked up then, so I was busy the last part of my shift, and in fact, worked over on priority jobs late to make my line count for the day.  (That’s how my job as a medical transcriptionist pays.   By the line.  I’m not going to tell you the ridiculously low line rate I work for.  It’s demeaning.)  When I’m overtired like this, I tend to be a bit down.

I’m not sure I have the energy to work all night and still spend more time on the keyboard blogging.  It would help, of course, if I spent less time on Facebook or other sites where I type comments too many hours of the day.  Speaking of Facebook, there is a meme I see on there from time to time.   “Writing is 10% inspiration and 90% avoiding being distracted by Facebook.”  Or some such thing.   The concept is obvious.  And valid.

Not that it would take me any less time to think of something worthwhile to say.   Then again, can I say anything worthwhile?   Am I even capable of that?   Who wants to listen to my ramblings?   (See, there’s that Infernal Internal Editor, again.  The bane of my existence.   The critic that never falls silent.  Self-effacing, self-deprecating and self-loathing.  Unfortunately, it’s not himself the IIE hates.  It’s ME! )  Anyway, on the matter of saying something worthwhile, I had some thoughts.   I know that some years ago I was journaling pretty regularly.   But I noticed that my journal had become page after page of the same tired complaints about the same things that were wrong with my life and that never seemed to change for the better.   And I’m much more prone to seeing the world through those shit-colored glasses when I’m tired and in pain, i.e., after working all night.

That does remind me of something, however.  When I was a good deal younger and less convinced of my uselessness, I was doing some philosophical-based question-and-answer-type journaling.  A one-sided Socratic conversation, as it was.  I coincidentally discovered an author named Hugh Prather, and his book “Notes To Myself: My Struggle To Become A Person.”    I actually had thoughts of writing up these conversations with myself into a manuscript.  I thought that there were answers in those replies.  I don’t have those pages any longer.  (Long story.  Things come and go in our lives.  Those were some of the things that went out of mine.   It’s too bad.  I’d like to re-read them.  Then again, I should reread Mr. Prather, too.  If you’d like to read his work:

Anyone reading my web log, if I keep to the spirit of a log, as in a record of my daily activities, is going to hear one phrase a LOT.

“I guess I should actually think about getting some sleep.”  I’m off tonight, Sunday night being my only night off, so it is likely I’ll be back here later.

Sometime I’ll write about sleep.


Hey, I’m a blogger!

All right.  I am officially setting up a blog.   I have no real idea what I’m doing.   The majority of the time, when I sit down to deliberately write, I can’t think of a damned thing.   When I am supposed to be working, or sleeping, or doing almost anything else, then I think of things.   Sometimes I look back at things I’ve written in the past, and I wonder who wrote them.   The “voice” is mine, but I never feel that smart.   Or that dumb.

Anyway, this is a foray into a new world for me.  Trying to achieve some measure of popularity and a following.   That’s not something I would normally think about doing.   Usually, I’m not very outgoing.  In fact, as a rule, I’m an introvert.   I’ve gone so far as to describe myself as “not antisocial so much as asocial.”

I’m going to call this good, for now.   I need to get some sleep before work.   More about what I do for work later.